Behavior/Five signs you are more charming than you think

5 Signs You’re Charming and Don’t Even Know it

The path to charm is already complete for many of you and available to the rest.

It’s a long-standing truth that people are too hard on themselves. Psychologist offices around the country fill up because of harsh self-talk. People assume they are disliked. They relive old embarrassments for no reason.

In short, we are deserving of more credit than we give ourselves. There’s a good chance many of you are more charming than you realize. People dig you. Even if they don’t, here is a roadmap to ensure they do.

The invisible beauty Years ago, I was lucky enough to date a fun, kind woman who happened to be very, very beautiful. She could turn the head of a granite statue. Some days, she came home and said, “Good news! I got us free tickets to the football game!” I’d ask how and she’d explain that this very nice man gave them to her. This was common. She’d get free upgrades and samples at restaurants. Police always gave her warnings instead of tickets. The sky seemed to open up and things fell into her lap.

One day, I asked her, “You do know this isn’t normal right?”

She said, “What do you mean?” I explained that most people don’t just get things and walk around with the entire world showering affection on them.

It wasn’t that she took the world for granted. It’s that she had a blind spot for the gift she had. She was always caught off guard when someone told her she was pretty. She’d seem perplexed, wondering, “Why would they even say that?” Her obliviousness to her beauty was unbelievably endearing.

For example, she had this casual Instagram account. She rarely posted pictures of herself. And if she did, it was her doing some goofy face rather than the, “I’m hot” stoneface. She also wasn’t one of those women who only hung out with other hyper-attractive women. She accepted people for who they were.

I had a guy friend who was like this, a young Pierce Brosnan-looking fellow, who didn’t care about his looks. He didn’t try to sleep with every woman in sight. He was innocently in search for a good time.

If you have an obvious excess in one attribute — looks, intelligence, power, wealth — and you don’t let it go to your head, it suggests you have a “quiet ego”. It means you are probably much more charming than you realize.

The curiosity that unlocks the like button Navigating cocktail parties is always a balancing act. You can easily get stuck in a string of superficial, go-nowhere conversations. It feels like your car broke down in Smalltalkville. Worse, you get stuck hearing some guy ramble on about his latest colonoscopy.

People tend to see the world through a lens of self-interest. When they ask other people about their life, they are often just going through the motions, waiting for their turn to talk, or a reason to bail. Yet if you genuinely enjoy learning about a person, and asking them questions, there’s a good chance you are quite likable.

Being an active, curious listener makes people feel valued. You aren’t spending that time talking about yourself, which is a chronic problem in social circles. You are given fewer opportunities to accidentally brag or overshare.

Seriously though, ask people about their life. Show interest and be positive. They’ll love you for it.

You know the direction to point jokes I was skidding through my freshman year, sleepwalking to classes and nursing hangovers. I’d just stepped into an elevator on our first day and noticed Professor Kaplan standing next to me. I’d heard about him. He was allegedly one of the best professors, a former Harvard lecturer.

I turned and said, “Greetings professor! I believe I’m attending your lecture today.” Holding his notebooks, he turned, smiled, and said, “My condolences.” And then he proceeded to give one of the best lectures I’ve ever seen. His display of humility in that elevator made him that much more endearing.

Self-deprecating humor, done lightly, and framed in a positive way, is powerfully charismatic. It makes people feel comfortable and appeals to their insecurities. But if you make a joke about your third wife leaving you, you might be overkilling it.

Passions and charisma intertwine Someone smarter than me once told me that if you want to get to know someone, ask them what they are passionate about. It became one of the most revealing, effective get-to-know-you questions I used. Quite often, it went fairly unanswered. People seemed caught off-guard by it. They’d stammer, pause, think, and say they enjoy traveling and hanging out with friends. Those weren’t wrong answers per se. But they were quite generic and universal.

Occasionally, there’d be a magnificent answer. They’d be into woodworking, larping, painting, or something unusual. Their face lit up and they started showing me their initial terrible paintings. Then, their paintings got better and better as they swiped. Their passion for it was intoxicating. They weren’t doing it for the money. They just had a hobby they pursued for the sake of mastery. It was an expression of their passion for life and living.

The most important one of all The quickest way to be more likable, faster than any other thing on this list is laughably simple: just smile. Beam a smile the moment you see someone. It signals you are excited to see them. They’ll feel accepted and liked. You’ll come off as friendly and warm.

If you already do this, why are you assuming you aren’t charming? You are already ahead of most people.

Smiles are powerful. They make you more attractive. Conversely, they are memorable. In obituaries, a loved one’s smile is the most commonly mentioned attribute.

So if everything on this list doesn’t describe you, and you feel like the least charming person on Earth, supercharge your charisma with an audacious smile. Make it big and warm. Don’t worry about how it makes your face look. Just give them those cheeks.

Remember, charm is a skill that can be learned. But there is a good chance you are already charming. Here are the signs.

Recap for Memory: five signs you are more charming than you realize

You have a self-deprecating sense of humor alongside a light, positive demeanor. You don’t let your gifts and talents get to your head. You accept and treat people the same regardless of appearances. Your Instagram isn't all selfies. You show genuine interest in learning about a person. You ask questions that enable them to talk. You listen without checking your phone or seeming distracted. You have a passion, some hobby that you get excited to talk about. You enjoy the pursuit of mastery for the sake of it. You smile when you run into people you know. You make them feel liked and welcome.

Sean Kernan is a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.